


oh what a sin

by sinningpumpkin



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Catholic Guilt, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Parent Death, Religious Conflict, Rimming, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:02:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26804080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinningpumpkin/pseuds/sinningpumpkin
Summary: When Dimitri is fifteen years old, he learns that Glenn Fraldarius is gay. He also realizes he's in love with him.When Dimitri is eighteen years old, he breaks Glenn's heart.When Dimitri is twenty-five years old, his father dies, leaving Dimitri to deal with his affairs and return to the small town that he desperately tried to leave behind. There, he meets Glenn again.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Glenn Fraldarius
Comments: 33
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pocketegg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketegg/gifts).



> important note: this fic uses the 'creator chose not to use archive warnings tag' because the first four chapters take place during Dimitri's high school experience. in which, he has a few sexual experiences with Glenn. in this fic, they are only two years apart, so i chose to not tag with underage.
> 
> if sexual situations between a 17 year old and a 19 year old make you uncomfortable, do not read ahead.
> 
> otherwise, please enjoy!
> 
> (also happy early birthday casey)

Dimitri was fifteen years old when he learned that Glenn was gay.

He was leaving church around five in the evening. For most of high school, he spent his afternoons in Father Byleth’s office, assisting with anything that came across his desk and earning community service hours for his trouble. 

There was a secret path out the back of the church. Duck out the back door, between the two big green dumpsters while holding your breath against the smell, then throw your bag over the chain link fence at the edge of the lot, before shimmying through the hole that they never repaired. Ignore the massive NO TRESPASSING signs along the vacant lot, but run quickly through the waist high grass and leap over the short fence into Old Man Tomas’ backyard. As long as he didn’t catch you, you were home free.

He was heading out that way when it happened. He stepped out into the September air, not yet turned to cold, probably thinking about getting his driver’s license in the next year, when he heard something. With a furrowed brow, he stepped closer to the noise. Even ten years later, it’s hard to forget the slick sounds that drew him into this discovery.

He shuffled around the edge of the dumpster and peered into the space on the other side of it. It took a moment to understand what he saw. A head of dark, silky hair pressed up between the V of Father Seteth’s legs. His big hands were in that long hair, as soft and pretty as a girl’s. Dimitri realized right then that Father Seteth’s pants are open. The gravity of the situation crashed down on him, but before he could dart out of sight, the head of hair drew back. A face was revealed, not of a girl, but of Glenn Fraldarius.

His dark eyes fluttered open. They flicked up to Father Seteth, molten with sex and desire. Then, they shot over to Dimitri and widened with shock.

Fear sliced through Dimitri’s belly and he darted back behind the dumpster. He flattened himself against the wall of the church, holding his breath as he waited for Glenn to call out to him. He knew with a sick certainty that he would be found out, that Father Seteth would punish him gravely. But, as the moment stretched out, nothing happened.

A few feet from him, just on the other side of the dumpster, the coupling continued. The noises that had alerted Dimitri in the first place began again, slick and lewd. Dimitri put a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. His belly twisted again, but not with fear. Something hot and foreign and overwhelming--driven by the sound of Father Seteth inside of Glenn’s mouth.

Glenn was the most beautiful person that Dimitri knew. Maybe the glossy images of models in magazines could rival him, but within their town, there was no one more stunning than Felix’s older brother. Dimitri knew this for as long as he could remember and he had spent a number of nights trying to crush his indecent thoughts about him. He was now a sophomore in high school. An improper crush was not something he could afford to entertain.

His body didn’t understand that though. The foreign desire that had been confined to his dreams for so long pulsed into reality, burning with a fever between his legs and curling through his veins.

Another noise filled his ears. A sharp gag, followed by a wet cough. The rhythmic smacking pauses. “Take it easy,” Glenn whispered. His voice was ruined. It held a sexed out quality that Dimitri had never known before. He shivered in the shadow of the church and pulled his knees up to his chest.

“I have to get back,” Father Seteth responded. He had never spoken kindly to Dimitri, but to Glenn, his tone was almost soft. Glenn gasped out a low cry of pain. Dimitri pressed his forehead against his knees and imagined that Father Seteth had just pulled his hair. He imagined how Glenn must now take him back into his mouth and press down until they look like one body. He imagined how Glenn’s throat must bulge.

A desire that he didn’t understand burned up his spine. It was that burning that guided his hand down between his legs. His palm pressed down over his pants and boxers, still, the feeling shocked him. He pulled his hand away and panted into the dark hollow between his knees and his chest. 

Father Seteth began to make his own noises, loud enough to cover Glenn's. They were low, animalistic grunts, scary in their intensity. Dimitri ached for Glenn, to see him now that he couldn’t hear him. He bit into his knuckles and closed his eyes, thinking again of Glenn’s flushed face and his mouth spread wide. Heat throbbed through him and the image evaporated, leaving Dimitri gasping into his palm.

Finally, Father Seteth quieted. Another pause and then Glenn coughed again, wetter than the first. “That was good,” Father Seteth said. Fear seized Dimitri and the certainty of being caught rocked through him again. The thought of confessing all of this put his heart into his throat while his belly clenched with nausea.

“Go around front,” Glenn said. “Take some time to cool off before you see Byleth. You’re a mess.” Father Seteth gave a good natured laugh--another thing Dimitri had never heard some him--and then his footsteps retreated. Relief flowed over Dimitri like a balm and he let his muscles go lax. He needed to go, to not be any later to dinner than he already was, but he couldn’t force himself to move.

And then Glenn called to him. “You can come out, Dima. It’s just us.”

Instinctive, hot guilt rolled through Dimitri, before he realized that Glenn wasn’t angry. He had seen Dimitri from the beginning and had never tried to get Dimitri to leave. So, he stood on wobbly legs and walked into Glenn’s alcove.

He had twisted his messy hair up into a bun and wiped himself clean before calling Dimitri over. There was a stain near the collar of his shirt and his cheeks were a little flushed, but Dimitri pretended not to notice as he sat down next to him. They were hip to hip without much space between the two dumpsters. Dimitri stared resolutely forward and Glenn caught his breath.

He was only two years older than Dimitri, but in that moment, the gap felt wider than ever. “I didn’t know…” Dimitri trailed off. It was now obvious that there was a lot he didn’t know about Glenn.

Glenn didn’t laugh at his stumbling. He shifted next to Dimitri and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Another thing on the long list of Glenn’s secrets. He lit it and took a long drag, before passing it to Dimitri. “I don’t smoke,” he whispered.

Glenn gave him a long, disbelieving look, and Dimitri grabbed it from him. Even without words, Dimitri still folded under him. He took a short, nervous puff from the cigarette and choked. Glenn rescued the cigarette from between his thumb and forefinger as Dimitri coughed, eyes watering and saliva swelling under his tongue until he managed to catch his breath.

Glenn passed the cigarette back to him, nearly half way to the tan filter now. “Try again. It’ll take the edge off,” he said.

Dimitri’s lungs were still burning from the last time he tried, but when he sucked in the second time, he was able to exhale smoothly. A moment later, the headrush hit and the sharp edges of his nerves were blunted. He decided not to push his luck and handed it back to Glenn. “Are you…” He suddenly realized that he’d never said the word out loud. “I mean, you are, right?”

Glenn smiled. “Gay?”

It took everything in Dimitri to suppress a flinch and the instinct to look around. 

“I guess so,” Glenn said with a shrug. He finished the cigarette and lit another one. His easy going manner was absolutely mind boggling. “I don’t think about it all that much.”

“What? How?”

Glenn’s thousand yard stare shifted to Dimitri then. He was struck again by Glenn’s beauty, an impulse had failed to suppress over the last year. A soft smile flitted across Glenn’s mouth. “I just do what I want, Dima. It doesn’t have to be that complicated.”

In that moment, Dimitri’s image of Glenn fractured. The gorgeous golden boy he had known for so long existing alongside the person that he met in this alley. It should have been the moment that Dimitri finally let go of Glenn, but it wasn’t.

“Okay,” he said and Glenn smiled at him again. He took another drag off Glenn’s cigarette and handed it back to him.

“Keep my secret, okay, Dima?” Glenn stuck the cigarette between his lips and rose to his feet. He nodded dumbly at Glenn’s back as he took a different short cut into town, not even bothering to hide his cigarette as he walked.

Dimitri was fifteen years old when he realized that his crush on Glenn Fraldarius wasn’t just a passing thought. 


	2. Chapter 2

In Dimitri’s second semester of sophomore year, he learned that Glenn was a chameleon.

There weren’t any safe places in town to throw a party. Dimitri’s house was off limits. Rodrigue never went out of town. Ingrid wasn’t yet in the business of hiding things from her parents. So, the Gautier farm was where they all converged. Miklan threw all the parties, but everyone ended up there on Friday and Saturday nights.

Here’s how you got onto the Gautier family farm. Leave the south end of town on foot or in a car. Drive fifteen minutes along the highway until the green post. Turn right onto the dirt road through the woods, park between the trees and then walk the rest of the way. The property is large. Don’t go near the main house. Mister Gautier was a mean drunk. Skirt the fence until you can see the barn, then hop over it. Move past the main house and enter the barn through the side door.

And, if you showed up on a Friday or Saturday, there was bound to be booze.

Dimitri didn’t start going until the second semester of his sophomore year. That’s when Felix learned how to sneak out of the house, but still wanted a chaperone on the walk there. Sophomore year was a good one for them. They spent most of their walk up to the property laughing and nudging each other into the middle of the road, ducking between trees whenever a car rolled past.

They’d been sneaking onto the property since they were kids, so that part was easy enough. Sylvain waited for them outside the barn, trying to look cool while smoking a cigarette. “You look like an idiot,” Felix snapped. Sylvain threw an arm around him and guided him into the party, leaving Dimitri to his own devices. He preferred it that way.

He stepped into the barn alone and found a party unlike one he’d ever been to. He and his friends had gotten drunk before, sitting around in a living room of an empty house, sneaking sips of vodka and gagging on it. This party was nothing like that. A thick blanket of smoke hung over everything while a mash of bodies made the air thick and humid. Joints and cigarettes exchanged hands freely, booze seemed to pour from every corner of the room. Music thumped through the ground and made Dimitri’s brain rattle in his skull. There was nothing chaste or sweet about this place.

He hugged the edge of the crowd until he found a cooler. The ice had all melted, but he plunged his hand into the freezing water and grabbed the last beer. Cracking it open made him feel a little better, and he sipped his drink slowly as he tried to find a place to sit.

The edge of the party was the wrong place to be. Couples coalesced there, bodies tangled and mouths attached without shame or embarrassment. Dimitri’s cheeks flamed and his gut twinged, taking on the humiliation for them. 

He wandered around some more. He wasn’t one to dance and there was nowhere to sit, so he leaned awkwardly next to one of the open doors, using the breeze to cool his heated cheeks. 

Something was building inside him. A certainty that he wasn’t supposed to be there, like he was some sort of imposter in a room of people who all knew what they were doing. Under his t-shirt, he began to sweat, skin prickling with discomfort.

“Dima!” His head jerked, for a moment convinced that he had been found out somehow. But then, there was Glenn.

He was meeting a Glenn that he didn’t know yet. This was not the golden boy who sat between Rodrigue and Felix on Sundays. Or the resigned one that he shared his first cigarette with. This Glenn was pink cheeked and excited, raw and untamed. He was drunk, Dimitri realized, moments before Glenn’s slim body crashed against him. “Whoops,” he laughed, straightening slowly. He smelled like cigarettes and cheap cologne, and Dimitri had his first craving for tobacco, a sensation he’d eventually come to associate with Glenn. “Didn’t know you’d be here.” Glenn was on the edge of slurring. Dimitri gripped one of his biceps to keep him from tipping over. His other hand spasmed around his beer can.

Dimitri was at a loss for words. He was too busy looking at the black liner around Glenn’s eyes and the wine colored smear across his mouth. His skin was glittering too, a shimmer that rubbed off on Dimitri’s hand when he touched him. “Uh, yeah,” Dimitri said. He let go of Glenn, his palm sparkling, and took another drink of his beer. Glenn took an off balance step away from him. Everything he was wearing was ripped, ill fitting, and dirty. He didn’t even look like himself. Or at least, he didn’t look like the Glenn that Dimitri knew.

Glenn grabbed his elbow. The touch was shocking and electric. Dimitri almost leapt out of his skin. “Baby brother left you all alone, huh?” Then, Dimitri was getting pulled along. Through the dancing crowd, a group playing spin the bottle, and into a separate room. 

Pink fabric was draped over the windows, casting moonlight into rose colored shapes. The light was softer here, the music somehow quieter, even though the only thing separating this room from the rest of the party was a curtain of red wood beads. He realized that the people here were Miklan’s friends. The ones that the party was really for. Miklan himself sat across the room, a fifth of rum in one hand as he glowered at Dimitri. That certainty crept back over him, more insistent than before. This was not somewhere he was allowed to be. 

“This is my friend, Dimtiri,” Glenn said. 

Their electric connection was severed as Glenn let go of Dimitri’s elbow. Everyone in the room was sitting on cushions with crocheted covers. There wasn’t one for Dimitri. Glenn didn’t seem to notice. He was busy stepping over splayed bodies to reach Miklan. He wasn’t wearing shoes, only mismatched socks with big holes worn into them. He laughed as he tripped on a pile of vinyls and collapsed on top of Miklan. Nobody else dared to come that close to him, but Glenn didn’t care. He probably destroyed at least one vinyl or two on his way over, but he curled up against Miklan like a needy kitten, wiggling against his side until a muscled arm curled around his shoulders. 

Someone cleared their throat and Dimitri’s eyes finally left Glenn. A guy with a shitty pink dye job scooted to the side a bit and patted the space next to him. Dimitri collapsed into it and nearly spilled his beer into the guy’s lap. “I’m Holst.” The guy was nice enough, but when he smiled at Dimitri, it didn’t reach his eyes.

It took a moment, but soon the idle chatter started up around him again. He wasn’t included in any of their conversations, but he didn’t really want to talk to any of them. He finished his beer and thought about using that as an excuse to leave, but when he moved, his eyes snagged on Glenn.

They were across the circle from each other. Glenn’s head rested on Miklan’s shoulder, but his misty, drunken gaze lolled around the room randomly. On either side of him, people jostled for his attention. None of them could hold Glenn’s interest, and he appeared to be in his own little world. 

Until his eyes caught on Dimitri’s. The air was sucked right out of his lungs and everything else in the world fell away. The mist in Glenn’s eyes cleared and he stared intently into Dimitri’s face. He learned then, that Glenn was someone that everyone wanted a piece of. That everyone who sat in that room, wasn’t there for Miklan or the booze or the weed. They all wanted that look that meant you could have a piece of Glenn. Dimitri understood desire in that moment. More than he had before in his entire life. There was nothing he wanted to covet more than Glenn Fraldarius.

And it didn’t matter if Glenn was actually taking pieces of people each time he looked at them. It didn’t matter if possessing him was an illusion. It was worth it.

~

Two days later, they were in church together.

The plum of Glenn’s mouth was gone. His skin no longer glittered. He sat between Rodrigue and Felix, his hands folded in his lap and his hair braided away from his face.

It was Dimitri’s second semester of sophomore year, and he was learning that he barely knew Glenn Fraldarius at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

Dimitri had just turned seventeen when he began to covet Glenn.

In two years, he had found hiding spots in his bedroom to stow the cigarettes that Glenn bought him, learned which colognes and deodorants covered the smells of weed and sex, and how to look presentable while hungover on a Sunday. All of which, Glenn taught him.

The best hiding spots were in a small hollowed out space in his bed frame, right up against his mattress, and lip on the inside of his full length mirror. Baby wipes under his armpits and across his belly, plus a fresh spray of cologne that he kept in his car erased the smells of sex. If he tied his hair back and held the cigarette with the very tips of his fingers, all he had to do was wash his hands and take off his jacket before going inside. On Sunday morning, he’d puke quietly in the bathroom with the fan running, then while pressing a cool cloth over his eyes he’d brush his teeth and tongue. An extra shot of mouthwash was good enough to banish the smell from his breath and as long as he hid out in his room instead of eating breakfast, he’d be ready for church.

Glenn taught him a lot of other things too.

He showed Dimitri a meadow of flowers at the edge of the Gautier farm. They laid down in it together, crushing clover against their spines and wetting the backs of their shirts with dew. Glenn named the constellations for him, tracing them with the tip of his finger. And then, he rolled over--half on top of Dimitri--and taught him how to kiss a boy. There was no real teaching involved, just Glenn’s hands in his hair and his tongue in his mouth. It paled in comparison to when Edelgard taught him how to kiss girls. The clinical way they sat a foot apart on her bed and leaned into each other, just a bare brush of their lips. With Glenn, kissing was orgasmic.

He pulled back and grinned, mouth swollen and cheeks flushed. “Too much tongue, Dima.” Dimitri had wanted to protest, considering Glenn had practically sucked his tongue into his mouth. Glenn’s mouth slid against his before he could, and Dimitri’s lips parted, tongue darting forward hesitantly. When Glenn groaned and hitched a leg over his thighs, Dimitri knew he was doing something right.

Then, they kissed everywhere.

In Glenn’s car, in the woods between town and one of Miklan’s parties. In Dimitri’s car, with the seats pushed all the way back and the windows fogging up. Behind the church after Dimitri finished work with Byleth, sharing cigarettes and kissing lazily.

Glenn taught him how boys liked to be touched. They only ever did that in Glenn’s car. Glenn’s car meant privacy. Not like the station wagon Dimitri had to share with Edelgard. 

In that imagined privacy, Glenn bit him and let Dimitri touch him. Glenn had graduated by then and abandoned the starched collared shirts of their school uniform, trading them instead for worn band t-shirts with logos that Dimitri didn’t recognize. When they were alone together, he was in ratty clothing that Dimitri got to dive underneath. It was a piece of Glenn that Dimitri alone got to have. The one that purred under his palms and giggled as he wiggled into clothing fit for Rodrigue to see.

He learned that Glenn liked getting pinched. The pink buds of his nipples and the soft fat around his hips. It only took one sharp tug of Dimitri’s hair and a hissed, “No marks,” for Dimitri to understand that his mouth couldn’t wander, but his hands were allowed to. He grabbed handfuls of Glenn’s ass and dragged him around during their makeout sessions. He rubbed and twisted at his nipples, counted and recounted the knobs of his spine or the lines of his ribs. That was how he learned to covet Glenn, not with flashy marks or claiming bites, but by memorizing him.

Glenn taught him how to give head.

In a rushed, heated moment as they tumbled into the backseat, Dimitri found himself on top of Glenn, a hand half way into his jeans and excitement burning through him. Getting Glenn in his hand was the best thing he’d ever experienced, next to the sound Glenn made as Dimitri tugged down his jeans and crushed himself between his legs. “Wait, have you--” Glenn’s voice broke apart as Dimitri stroked him with a tight fist.

A bloom of humiliation colored his cheeks, but he scooted closer to him. The downy hair on Glenn’s thighs tickled his cheeks and a hand fell into his hair, grounding and certain. “Tell me what to do,” Dimitri murmured, thumbing at the base of Glenn’s cock as saliva pooled under his tongue.

He didn’t know if they could ever have this outside of the backseat of Glenn’s car, but for the moment, he didn’t care. There was no guilt, no pain, only Glenn’s pleasure spilling out from between his lips.

“Fuck--uh,” he laughed. Dimitri looked up the length of his body to where Glenn’s hair was falling out of its bun, an arm thrown over his face. “It’s been a long time since I… thought about how to do it.” Dimitri ignored the twist of jealousy in his belly and chanced a kiss to the tip of Glenn’s cock. The hand in his hair tightened. “Yeah, that’s good,” he hissed. “Uh, go slow, watch the teeth. Fuck, um.” That was enough instruction to at least get him started.

He swiped his tongue over his lips and the taste of Glenn filled his mouth. It only got stronger when he opened his mouth and took Glenn inside. He remembers it in fragments. Velvet skin and heat. Hands in his hair and thighs trembling against his ears. Sharp bucks of Glenn’s hips and a spike of fear as he choked. “Sorry,” Glenn murmured. Blood rushed in Dimitri’s ears and he licked him as he caught his breath. Then Glenn was back in his mouth, filling him, consuming him. Salty bitterness in the back of his throat, saliva spilling out over his bottom lip, the familiar rhythm of Glenn’s moans.

Glenn’s fingers loosened in his hair. “You’re good with your mouth,” he choked out. Energy thrummed just beneath his skin, hips tingling under Dimitri’s fingers as he tried not to gag him again. “I’m gonna cum.” With Glenn’s fingers loose in his hair, he could’ve pulled back. He didn’t. The first shot hit him in the back of his mouth and tears spilled down his cheeks. He swallowed and pulled away, letting the rest of Glenn’s release paint over his open mouth. Once he was finished, he swallowed that down too, glowing with pride even while his throat burned.

He didn’t realize that there was a technique to receiving head, but Glenn taught him that too.

He threw his slim body against Dimitri, bowling him onto his back in the cramped car, grinning like a demon as he dragged his jeans down. No instruction needed, he fished Dimitri’s cock out of his boxers and brought him to his mouth. Desire seized Dimitri, cock dribbling in Glenn’s fist before his mouth was sheathed around him. Dimitri’s hands hung awkwardly between them, his head thrown back as he bit down on rattling moans and desperate need.

“Put them in my hair, Dima.” Glenn’s voice was thick, mouth wet and shining as he peered up at him from between his thighs. He didn’t put his mouth back on Dimitri until he cupped the back of his head with both palms. Glenn’s hair hung in a tangled sheet around his face, only a few strands still trapped by the tie at the back of his head. Dimitri tugged it free entirely, letting Glenn’s silky hair tickle the backs of his hands as he bobbed up and down.

It took half the time for Dimitri to start unraveling. “I--I, fuck.” He couldn’t make himself say the words, not like Glenn had.

Just as those frissons of pleasure twisted into something worth holding onto, Glenn pulled back. They were parked in the woods and there was barely any light to see by, but Dimitri had memorized Glenn’s face by now. He knew that his eyes were half closed and that his mouth hung open as he panted. He could feel each lash of breath against his wet length, making him shiver and tremble. “Does it feel good?” Dimitri’s fingers knotted into Glenn’s hair, pulling until strands snapped, and still the only touch he got was that of Glenn’s breath. “Am I making you feel good?”

“Yes, of course--” Glenn’s mouth sealed back around him, and then Dimitri finally realized what he wanted. “Perfect--fuck, Glenn you feel so good.” Between his thighs, Glenn shivered, nails biting into his hips. Pleasure tangled up around Dimitri again, dragging him down and down and down as Glenn’s throat opened for him. “You’re amazing, oh, oh, I’m gonna--” He still couldn’t make his mouth form the words, but it didn’t matter. He pulsed inside of Glenn’s mouth, spilling over his tongue and down his throat. And Glenn didn’t even cough.

All of that really just amounted to Glenn teaching him how to love.

He loved his body when he was with Glenn. He wasn’t some bumbling oaf with uncooperative hair and too broad shoulders. With Glenn he was more than that, more than he had ever hoped to be. He knew love in the quiet breaths between kisses and Glenn’s guiding hand. He knew it when Glenn was vulnerable with him, stretched open on his fingers and then his length. They were in their own little world, unmoored by love and desire, connected as if they were one body.

Dimitri had known love as a commodity, one that could be swiftly taken away. But Glenn was unflinching, almost stubborn in his demands for Dimitri. Even when he did fumble, that bright burst of love was still between them, electric in public, platonic touches just as it was when they were alone. Glenn’s love was not something that could be given and taken away. Dimitri had earned it and he expected to keep it.

He first told Glenn that he loved him when they were behind the church. They were sharing a cigarette as the sun set. It was a winter Friday evening. Dimitri didn’t have anywhere to be and the tips of his fingers were beginning to go red from the cold. Glenn accidentally ashed the cigarette onto his own thigh and he was brushing it off when the words bubbled up in Dimitri. The apples of his cheeks were glowing, his lashes long and probably darkened by makeup. He was the most beautiful thing in the whole world, wrapped up in torn clothing and choosing to spend his time with Dimitri.

“I love you,” he mumbled. The words didn’t really feel real until Glenn’s eyebrows jumped and his gaze shot over to him.

Dimitri’s mouth hung open. He couldn’t take them back now, but he didn’t need to. “I love you, too,” Glenn said. He’d probably said it a thousand times before, to a thousand different people, but Dimitri didn’t care. Glenn was it for him, the owner of his many firsts, the one person who loved him without retribution. They finished the cigarette and then climbed into Glenn’s car for a drive out to the woods.

There was never any question of telling anyone. Not if Glenn wanted to live to twenty and if Dimitri wanted to see his trust fund at eighteen. No one else needed to know. It was just them. And for a while that was enough.

Dimitri got into his dream school, they pretended like it wasn’t five hours away. He started senior year and pretended that his grades weren’t slipping. He’d learned how to hide, how to lie, and for a while it worked. Until it didn’t.

Dimitri was seventeen when he learned that wanting something wasn’t always enough to keep it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

Dimitri was eighteen years old when he broke Glenn’s heart.

Like most things in that godforsaken town, it started at church.

Dimitri sat between his father and Edelgard, while her own mother sat as far away from her as possible. In front of them, Sylvain was straight backed and deathly still next to his father. Miklan was old enough to make excuses to get out of mass, but Sylvain wasn’t so lucky. Even with the space between Dimitri and Mister Gautier, he smelled the liquor bleeding from his pores. Rodrigue and his boys sat in front of them as well. Felix slouched against the pew, while Glenn sat tall, comfortable in his golden boy persona.

Dimitri was watching him when Father Byleth began his sermon. The words that came out of his mouth shocked Dimitri to his core. “Today, I’d like to speak to you all about homosexuality.” Dimitri’s eyes snapped up to the altar where Father Byleth stood. “It has come to my attention, that some parents in our community are worried for their children. Worried that they may be shunning God, in favor of the Devil.”

Father Seteth stood beside him. Dimitri didn’t know how he could stand there, unflinching and cold as the sermon continued. Blood rushed in Dimitri’s ears. It was one of the few Sundays that he didn’t have a hangover, and he was certain he was going to be sick. He chanced a look at Glenn, whose posture had stiffened. Dimitri ached to see his face. “I do not wish to speak to the parents in our community, but to those, who may find themselves straying.” The slow, gentle cadence of Father Byleth’s voice had always soothed Dimitri, but in that moment, he might as well have been screaming. 

He clenched his hands into fists on top of his thighs. Thinking only of making it through the sermon. Father Byleth’s voice droned on, promising salvation after confession and absolution. Dimitri couldn’t shake the feeling that he was talking directly to him. It felt like a threat. By the end of mass, he was certain that it was a threat.

Dimitri couldn’t remember the last time he went to confession. He couldn’t even remember the last time he really prayed. Saying grace over the dinner table was the closest he had been to God in years. Heat and fear prickled over the back of his neck, as certain as if he were alone being lectured by Father Byleth. He had known love with Glenn for so long, so long that he had almost forgotten the fear of damnation that hung over him like a death shroud. The soles of his feet prickled and salty saliva spilled across his tongue. That fear stuck to him, even after Father Byleth finished his homily. It clung to him like spider webbing, invisible but ever present as it tickled his skin.

~

Guilt joined fear soon after. Nausea was a constant. His grades tanked. Some days, he would feel on top of the world, certain that loving Glenn was enough to keep him afloat. Others, he became certain of his own damnation and could only lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

It was as if his body was tearing itself apart, constantly yearning for two different truths that couldn’t coexist.

It didn’t take long for him to begin to pray again. Where he once searched for meaning in Glenn, with Glenn, he reached out alone this time. As his body tried to rip itself apart with nausea and tension headaches, he prayed. He prayed for absolution, he confessed to the walls of his bedroom and begged to be saved. Then, the next day, with aching knees, he would be sure there was no God outside the one that he and Glenn had created together.

A vicious, lonely cycle consumed him for weeks. 

Then Father Byleth intervened.

Dimitri no longer visited him every day after school. Once a week was good enough for keeping up appearances. The moment he walked into Father Byleth’s office he knew that something was wrong. Instead of working diligently on a sermon or on organizing the next church fundraiser, Father Byleth was just sitting at his desk with his fingers laced over his belly.

Dimitri forced a smile onto his face and dropped down into the seat across from him. “Hello, Dimitri.” His voice was smooth and gentle, but Dimitri still couldn’t shake his uneasiness.

“Father Byleth.” He dipped his head respectfully and then wound his fingers together in his lap.

They sat in another long moment of uncomfortable silence. “How have you been, Dimitri?” Father Byleth finally said, giving him a piercing stare.

Dimitri swallowed, dug his thumbnail into the rip of his index finger and spoke, “I’m fine. What can I help you--”

“I haven’t seen you here much. Besides when Lambert drags you in.” Dimitri bit his tongue, stemming the bright burst of panic behind his ribs. “When’s the last time you’ve confessed?”

Years, probably. At first, confessing had simply slipped his mind. Then, when his transgressions began to pile up, the idea of confession paralyzed him. He shrugged and hoped that would be the end of it.

Father Byleth kept him trapped, pinned like a bug in his office, under his strangely colored eyes. Dimitri hadn’t hated him until that moment. His stoic face pinched, like he’d tasted something bad, before he said what he’d meant to say the entire time. “How is your friend? Felix’s older brother… Glenn, is it?” All the air was sucked out of the room and Dimitri was left gasping, nails digging into the heels of his palms. He fought against the bright surge of panic that threatened to drown him, dragging him down and down and down while Father Byleth just stared.

Dimitri didn’t have an answer for him. Father Byleth didn’t expect one. The pinched look on his face smoothed out again and Dimitri sucked in a breath. It felt like everything was crumbling down around him. The world that he had built was crushed so easily, by one man. The grip that he had on Glenn was slipping, leaving him unmoored and confused. Tears welled in his eyes and he lifted his hands to his face. Father Byleth offered him no comfort. “Confess, Dimitri, and receive absolution.”

~

He didn’t confess that day. He kept it all tightly wound up inside and went to find Glenn.

Dimitri drove from the church and into the center of town, where the storefronts all slouched toward each other and boredom hung like a wet blanket over everything. Winter was just starting to wear off and the sun blinded Dimitri as he stepped out of the car and looked around. A crowd of Glenn’s friends filled the alley between the pharmacy and the supermarket. Glenn was in the center of it, his long hair loose and billowing like ink in water.

For a while, Glenn didn’t spot him. So Dimitri just watched. The throb of panic still burned away in his belly, scorching him through and through, unable to be calmed by Glenn’s presence. Glenn was laughing. Dimitri couldn’t hear it, but he could see the broad smile on his face and the flush that gathered around his neck. In the last year, Dimitri had watched Glenn laugh more than their entire childhood. In the last year, the thousand yard stare that belonged to Glenn for so long, had been replaced with a gaze so bright and hopeful it almost hurt to look directly at. Dimitri couldn’t say it was all because of him, but he knew he would be the one to make all that progress melt away.

That was the moment that he should have got back in his car and driven off. The moment when he knew what he needed to do, and was certain he was going to do it. But he was selfish, worn to the bone with fear and guilt. So he didn’t.

And when Glenn’s face tilted toward him, eyes bright and clear when they landed on Dimitri’s face. Instead of being honest and raw, he pulled a smile to his face and lifted his arm to wave. Glenn left his friends and Dimitri’s shoulders folded under the weight of his decision.

Glenn crossed the space between them and stood a few feet in front of Dimitri. A perfectly platonic gap between them. “Dima?” Glenn’s brows pulled together.

“Can we go for a drive?” Dimitri said. His voice was rough. He was trying to tell himself that he had time to change his mind. That maybe, the wrong decision hadn’t already been made.

Glenn’s worry slid off his face. “Your car or mine?”

“Yours,” Dimitri mumbled and sealed their fates in stone.

Glenn didn’t seem to realize. He grabbed his keys out of his pocket and waved to his friends before walking over to his car. Dimitri locked his own and then climbed in with Glenn. “Let’s just… take a drive,” he said. Glenn started his car and pulled out onto the one road that ran through their town.

“Okay,” Glenn said easily. It seemed like everything he did was easy. It always felt like that, even when he wasn’t quite in the same room with Dimitri. His words from several years ago came back to Dimitri then.  _ I just do what I want. It doesn’t have to be that complicated.  _ Dimitri leaned his head against the window as Glenn turned on the radio, eyes half shut as the world whipped past them.

The sun was close to setting when they pulled into the woods. They were trapped in a gray sort of twilight, where the woods stripped away the warmth of the sun and left them in limbo. Dimitri thought about going back to the meadow where they first kissed. Where everything came together for a perfect year. But then, Glenn’s mouth was against his and they wiggled into the back together, and Dimitri didn’t think of anything else for a long while.

They were back in the place that only they could reach, where the world was bleached gray but they were both in stunning technicolor. Dimitri was back in the only place he felt like he belonged, as darkness draped over Glenn’s car and they stripped out of their clothes. The windows fogged as they panted, their bodies coming together in obscene, euphoric ways. An hour slipped by before they stopped, sweat slicked and grinning into each other’s mouths. Glenn didn’t bother to crack any of the windows before he lit up, grinning around the filter, naked and glowing in the dim light. And Dimitri wasn’t ready to let him go.

He snatched the cigarette from Glenn’s mouth and brought it to his own. Glenn gasped when their hips slotted back together, a sharp, sugary heat wrapped around Dimitri’s cock and he stroked Glenn’s thigh. “Can you get hard again?” Dimitri asked. The cigarette bounced against his bottom lip and ash fluttered from its tip, decorating the soft bow of Glenn’s navel. “I want to get you off, again,” Dimitri whispered. The headrush of nicotine entwined with the afterglow as he pulled the cigarette from between his lips.

Glenn stole it back and then gave a wobbling grin when Dimitri hunched over him. “Don’t you mean that you just want to get off again?” The cigarette crackled as he sucked on it. The humid air between them prickled with smoke.

He shook his head. He bent forward and dragged his lips over Glenn’s skin, catching the cigarette ash as it smeared across his wet belly. He licked his lips. The ash crumbled silkily across his tongue and he swallowed. Glenn stared at him, no more disgusted or surprised than he had been moments ago. “No,” Dimitri said. Then he licked Glenn’s belly, swiping up the bitter remnants of his release and gray streaks of ash. His cock was already hard against his thigh, but it was of little consequence to him. He was being selfish, more selfish than Glenn could ever understand. A final drink of paradise. “Let me make you feel good.” He dragged both hands down Glenn’s thighs and hooked them around his knees.

“Okay,” Glenn said breathlessly.

Dimitri clung to that overwrought, sweet noise as he pushed Glenn’s knees up to his chest and flattened himself down between his thighs. Dimitri’s sticky mouth dragged down the inside his thigh and over his balls. Glenn sighed at the sensation, loose limbed from his earlier orgasm and the last few puffs of their shared cigarette.

Dimitri didn’t really know what he wanted to do, until the soft pout of his mouth pressed against Glenn’s asshole. He was dripping, wet with Dimitri’s seed and a twisted bolt of lust and shame rocked through him. Glenn stared down at Dimitri, cigarette between his fingers and burned down to the filter. Dimitri could have pulled away. Instead, he stuck out his tongue and dragged it through the mess. Glenn didn’t move. Dimitri tried again, spreading him open on his tongue. It was disgusting. He pressed his face closer to Glenn.

A hand fell into his hair and for a moment, Dimitri thought Glenn would pull him away. But his nails scratched over Dimitri’s scalp and he gave an indulgent little sigh when Dimitri sucked at his rim. “No one has ever, ah, done this to me,” Glenn murmured. Dimitri squeezed his eyes shut as they burned. It was unfair for Dimitri to steal this first from him now.

Still, that didn’t make him stop. He licked his own spend out of Glenn, cock hard against the cracked vinyl seats and hands slipping against Glenn’s sweaty knees. He lit another cigarette and played with Dimitri’s hair as he licked him open, sparing him a few moans as he worked. “Fuck me,” Glenn said. Dimitri had licked everything out of him by then, slippery spit in place of sticky cum. It wouldn’t occur to him until later, that he had been cleaning Glenn so he wouldn’t have to do it himself.

“Fuck me, Dima,” he demanded when Dimitri didn’t move immediately. He couldn’t delude himself into thinking that he deserved that anymore. He hooked two fingers into Glenn instead, licking around them until Glenn rutted into it. He was annoyed and horny, but he didn’t ask Dimitri to stop. He took advantage and took Glenn’s cock into his mouth. He sucked him down to the base, even when it made him cough and choke.

Glenn finished in his mouth with a bitten off grunt and his fingers spasming in Dimitri’s hair. Dimitri swallowed him down and then pulled away. A few strokes of his cock and he came as well, crushed against the door as far away from Glenn as he could manage. He wiped his hand off with a tissue and when his gaze lifted to Glenn’s again, he seemed to know what was about to happen.

Dimitri put it off for as long as he could. For as selfish as he was, he knew when to give it up. He began to sort their clothes and pulled his shirt over his sweat slick skin. “I’m sorry.” A bad start. Glenn didn’t even look at him as he tugged on his boxers. “I don’t think that…” Glenn still didn’t look at him, now wearing a shirt as he crawled into the front seat. He turned the key in the ignition, cracking their steamy windows and letting out the smell of sex. “We can’t do this anymore.” He was alone in the backseat. Glenn was facing forward in the driver’s seat. The space between them was insurmountable.

“Okay.” Glenn’s voice was steel and ice.

A bright column of panic shot up Dimitri’s spine. Glenn didn’t turn to look at him. He didn’t seem to care at all. But the longer Dimitri stared, the more he saw the tremble of his limbs and the jumping clench of his jaw. “I’m sorry,” he said, again. It didn’t seem to mean anymore to Glenn the second time around. “I just, I have to leave and go to college and it wouldn’t be fair to you--”

“Shut up.”

It would have been easier if Glenn was mad.

“Shut up,” he repeated. There was nothing in his voice at all and Dimitri’s belly turned.

“No. This is what’s best, for both of us.”

Glenn didn’t whip around toward him, just turned slowly, eyes dark and hair snarled. His cheeks were still flushed, but Dimitri felt the pulse of anger, not sex, from them. Glenn stared at him with venom and raw hate, but when he spoke, his voice was dead. “It’s not what’s best for me.” 

Dimitri’s chest caved in. They stared at each other until Glenn turned back around. He twisted the key in the ignition and the car rumbled to life. As they pulled out of the woods, Glenn Fraldarius spoke his last words to Dimitri.

“You can lie to yourself. But I won’t have you lie to me.” His hands had stopped shaking. “You’re scared and you’re ashamed.”

Dimitri shook his head. And then he lied to Glenn again. “No. I’m just finding my faith.”

Glenn’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. He dropped Dimitri off in the center of town. Once Dimitri was standing on the asphalt, Glenn rolled up his windows and sped away, never once checking over his shoulder.

Dimitri was eighteen years old when his heart broke for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!  
> thank you for reading this chapter! i hope you're enjoying the story so far :) im gonna be taking a little break from oh what a sin for now. there are some other deadlines that i've got to attend to before i can start updating regularly again. hopefully by the end of october ill be back and publishing the last 6 parts for you!
> 
> come hang out with me on twitter (@sinningpumpkin)! ill probably be talking abt oh what a sin all the time there :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of side shipping in this chapter, but nothing that is particularly long lasting. ive decided to list the side ships here, instead of tagging them, since this is still definitely a dimiglenn fic
> 
> this chap contains: sylvain/felix, hilda/dimitri, hubert/dimitri, and claude/dimitri

Dimitri left home at eighteen years old.

He packed up his things into three cardboard boxes, shoved them into the backseat of his car and drove. Three hours later, he arrived at his new home. 

He was the only student who moved into his dorm without his parents. He lugged his boxes up the stairs without any help and stepped into his empty dorm room. By the time everything was in its drawer or cabinet, and his sheets were stretched over the thin mattress, it didn’t look all that much different than when it was empty. Dimitri sat in his desk chair and looked around at the tiny imprint he left on this shoebox space.

His randomly assigned roommate arrived in the afternoon. He introduced himself as Caspar and Dimitri watched him move around the room. He had a lot of things to unpack. He plastered the wall with album covers and posters, and unloaded a crazy amount of junk onto his desk. He was loud and talkative and filled their dorm in the way that Dimitri failed to.

“Anyway, I heard about a party from this guy named Raphael down the hall. We should go tonight, don’t you think!” Caspar grinned at Dimitri.

The last time he went to a party, he went with Glenn. They teased each other from across the room with long looks and teased by brushing by each other. Dimitri didn’t even need to get drunk, not with Glenn there, staring at him like he wanted to eat him--

“Yes. Sounds fun.”

“Sweet!” Caspar slammed his dresser shut and turned to him. “What’s your number?” Dimitri blinked at him as his roommate pulled out a smartphone from his pocket.

“Oh, right.” Dimitri pulled his old flip phone out of his desk. He flicked through until he found his number and then handed it over to his roommate. Caspar stared at him like he was from a different planet. “I never memorized it.” He shrugged.

“No, man, this phone is like a decade old,” Caspar said. He keyed Dimitri’s number in anyway. “You gotta get something better, how the fuck are you gonna pick up girls with this?” He tossed the phone back to Dimitri.

His cheeks burned. Caspar was right of course. The phone was old, only ever used to get in contact with Edelgard and Lambert when he needed to. He slipped the flip phone into his back pocket and shrugged. “Yeah… I’ll have to get a new one soon.”

Caspar laughed. “Thank God, maybe you’ll turn out to be a decent wingman after all.” He clapped a hand on Dimitri’s shoulder.

There was a knock at their door around 10 pm. Caspar introduced Dimitri to Raphael, a big man in a shirt that didn’t fit who was even more generous with the volume than Caspar was. Caspar ordered an Uber, which Dimitri stumbled into awkwardly, and they rode over to Greek Row.

Every house there looked like it was in the midst of a party. They climbed out of the Uber and Dimitri trailed behind Raphael and Caspar as they beelined toward one of the houses. The music was loud and people clamored at the door waiting to get in. Raphael carved through the crowd and got them into the party, apparently he was older than the both of them. Inside, the music was terribly loud, the floors were sticky and everyone seemed desperate and fabricated. Not like Dimitri was much different

Dimitri was left alone in a house of strangers. He found the drinks and stole something that looked easy to choke down and followed the flow of partiers into the living room. They were playing songs he didn’t know and dancing in ways he didn’t understand. It was nothing like the Gautier farm, so different that he couldn’t stop thinking of that place, of Glenn and everything that he left behind.

He drained his drink and tried to find familiar faces, but there were none. This was what Dimitri had wanted. And yet, he felt more alone and out of place than ever.

~

Classes started.

Dimitri got dragged to parties. 

He bought a phone that Caspar recommended, but he barely knew how to use it. All it did was make him key in the numbers of people from his hometown and think about talking to them. He knew he should tell Lambert how it was going, or lie and tell him it was great. He knew he should check in on his step-sister, who was taking a gap year and staying at home. And Sylvain and Felix, he missed them so dearly. But he never brought himself to talk to them.

He passed his fall quarter classes. And was the only person in the entire dorm building to not go home for the holidays. He hoarded food in his room and spent three weeks alone. He was lonely, but never homesick. 

The imprint of himself in his dorm room stayed small, but he somehow settled in anyway. 

He enrolled in new classes and decided on a business degree, against all advice he got. He hated his classes, but he liked the idea of not living off Lambert’s money more.

They partied on the weekends.

Dimitri let his hair grow out because he was too afraid to find a barber in town.

And eventually, with enough needling, he made social media, but brushed off Caspar’s advice to make a dating profile. He didn’t need to date.

Then, at their parties, things started to change. When girls came up to him, asking for his name and his Instagram, he actually had something to give them. He never approached them on his own, and was very careful to never look at any of the boys, but slowly, girls started talking to him.

He got DMs on Instagram asking how he was doing, and he started so many conversations, he eventually had to ask Caspar what they meant. Once Caspar finished laughing at him, he told Dimitri they were flirting with him and were probably waiting for him to ask them out. The thought made him sick. He stopped talking to them. 

~

Late one night, Caspar was asleep and Dimitri was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and messing around on his phone. He opened Instagram. And then tapped on the search bar. He stared for a long time at his too bright phone screen, probably giving himself a headache. Then, he typed in  _ Sylvain Gautier _ . Dimitri found his account immediately. It was sparse in pictures, but high in followers. Feeling a bit like a stalker, Dimitri tapped on his first photo instead of following him.

It was a series of photos of him and Felix. They looked… happy. Sylvain wasn’t manufacturing a smile for the camera and Felix was staring up at him like he was the only thing in the world. Dimitri felt a little nauseous as he kicked back the covers and slid on his slippers.

He ducked out the side door of his dorm building and propped it open with one of his shoes. Before he could convince himself out of it, he was calling Sylvain. It rang once, twice, and Dimitri realized that it was past midnight and he had a different number and he probably wouldn’t pick up--

Sylvain answered. “Hello?”

He didn’t sound the least bit groggy. Dimitri cleared his throat. “Uh, hi, it’s Dimitri. I got a new phone.”

Sylvain laughed and it was like no time had passed at all. “Oh my God, did you finally learn how to use a smartphone? You’re the youngest old man I know, Dima.”

Dimitri huffs. “Yeah. My roommate helped me figure it out.” At the reminder of how different things were now, they both pause. “How are you? What’s been happening?”

“Well…” Sylvain took a long breath on the other end of the phone. “Felix and I moved out of town, and into Fhirdiad.” It was the largest city next to their hometown, about an hour and a half away. That meant that Dimitri was almost five hours away from them now.

“That’s great. Are you two living together?”

Another uncomfortable silence passed. “We’re… together, Dimitri. As in dating.”

All of Dimitri’s breath rushed out of him. Vaguely, he knew that this was a sort of test that he needed to pass. He needed to show his oldest friends that he accepted them, that he was like them, that he knew how hard this would’ve been. Bile burned up his throat and for a horrible minute, he thought he might retch on the phone. Because his two longest friends had done what he couldn’t. Dimitri lifted a hand and covered his eyes. “That’s wonderful, Sylvain. I’m really happy for you both.” He tried to make it sound sincere.

Sylvain cleared his throat. Dimitri was fucking this all up and he couldn’t begin to fix it because he was lightheaded and nauseous. “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll call you again soon,” Dimitri mumbled. He didn’t wait for Sylvain to give a proper goodbye.

Because they did what he thought he couldn’t do. He ducked back inside of his dorm building and squatted on the dirty carpet. His heart pounded in his ears, the only sound to be heard as he puts his face into his hands and breathed shakily. He wanted to be happy for them, but he wasn’t. He balled his hands into fists and fought against the urge to hit something, the need to cry.

He was there for a long time, alone in the too bright hallway light, until he finally uncurled and stood.

It didn’t matter now. Glenn was his past. Sylvain and Felix would be too.

~

His winter classes were harder, but he managed them. He kept a spreadsheet of credits to earn to get his degree, and put himself on the track to finish in three years. He was alone again for spring break, and painfully sober as he flicked through social media and saw all the parties of his friends and acquaintances. It was good to get a break from Caspar and to move on his own schedule. Less good to be resoundingly alone for over two weeks.

Spring quarter started and Dimitri suddenly realized that summer break loomed. This would be the time to call his family, make arrangements and get ready to come home to them. There was no way. He refused to ask Lambert for anything more than tuition.

He got a job. Two actually.

Between classes he tutored his peers and he filled the weekends with work at an off campus cafe, who were thrilled to have him through the summer. He didn’t spend any of that money, Lambert handled everything up until that point, so all this money went into his savings account. He got less and less sleep, tried to keep passing his classes, and worked with the mantra of never returning home.

Everything else fell out of his mind. He stopped going to parties with Caspar and picked up every extra shift he could manage--even some that he definitely couldn’t.

He wasn’t lonely anymore. He wrung himself out with customer service smiles and pulling coffee, studied until his eyes ached, and slept.

He was good at his job, but he ran with as little sleep and as much caffeine as possible, making him not the most observant. So it took him almost a month to realize that he had a regular.

It was a Saturday when she came in, an off time that let him sit down for the first time in six hours and suck down another coffee. He could hear his coworker welcoming her in, and then her put off sigh as she reached the counter.

“Something wrong?”

“No, no, sorry…”

Dimitri’s coworker glanced over at him, where he was sitting just out of view of their customers. “Let me guess, you were looking for Dimitri?”

He went beet red and almost choked on his drink.

The girl laughed. “Is it that obvious?” It surely wasn’t obvious to Dimitri.

His coworker shrugged. “Yeah, a little bit. But he isn’t working today, sorry.”

Dimitri leaned forward a little on his rickety chair, trying to get the face of the girl who apparently came in to see him. She was very easy to recognize. She had big pink hair tied up into two pigtails and a wonderful smile. She was a smooth talker and a good tipper, and apparently, she only chose to come into this cafe because of Dimitri.

He ducked back out of her sight before she could see him, his face still hot as he finished his coffee.

She ordered and then paused after getting rung up. “Would it be… weird to ask you to give him my number?”

His coworker laughed. “I’ll hand it off to him, since I think he likes you.”

Dimitri put his face in his hand and took his break until she left with her coffee. Then, his coworker pressed a scrap of paper into his palm. “She’s fuckin’ hot. You better go for it.”

Dimitri didn’t think there was a good enough reason not to.

~

His first down time in six weeks was spent taking Hilda to a movie and out for dinner. It was the first time he ever spent any of this new money, and the first time he ever went out on a date with a girl.

She was a good one to start with. She was funny and honest and she knew that he was nervous and helped him through it. The movie they saw was pretty bad, but Dimitri had fun anyways. Dinner was better, less serious and more fun with Hilda talking. He liked listening with her, he liked being out with her, and for once, leaving some space between studying and working wasn’t immediately filled by thoughts of the past.

He helped her into his car and drove her home. She was a year older than him and already lived off campus. She played her own music on the drive. It wasn’t his style, but Hilda enjoying anything was absolutely infectious.

They pulled into her complex and Dimitri helped her out of the car as well. She smiled up at him and excitement warmed him through. “I had a good time tonight,” she said. Dimitri nodded.

She was a lot shorter than him. So he had a lot of time between her deciding to kiss him and their mouths meeting. But, Dimitri didn’t pull away. He didn’t want to. They kissed. Her breath was fresh and her hands were smooth against his cheeks. He could feel the soft lines of her body when she fell against him, teetering on the tips of her toes.

She couldn’t have been more different than Glenn. And still, when she licked at the seam of his lips, memories came flooding back. She didn’t taste like cigarettes and stale booze, but he wanted her to. Her hair was too light and too artificial, her hands too smooth, too different--

She wasn’t a boy. She wasn’t the boy.

With a ragged gasp, Dimitri took hold of her biceps and pushed her away. Her hands slipped off him and when their gazes met again, she didn’t appear to be upset. Her head tilted and she gave him a long stare. “Not good?”

Dimitri hung his head. “I’m sorry. I had a really good time tonight… I. Fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair and Hilda took a half step away from him.

“It’s okay. If you’re hung up on someone.” Dimitri cringed. “I had a good time tonight, and thank you for the meal.” With a little wave she disappeared up into her apartment complex while Dimitri stood and stared at his car. 

Dimitri was nineteen when he realized he was  _ still _ heartbroken.

~

He made it through his freshman year, said goodbye to Caspar and moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment instead of going home. He picked up more shifts to stay busy and tried to make his apartment a home. It was a long, hot summer that he spent alone. 

When school started up again, his hair was almost to his shoulders, he had plenty of money and nothing to spend it on, and a lot of questions that felt impossible to answer. He spent a lot of time thinking about his date with Hilda, his kiss with Hilda. He spent a lot of time asking questions and not sleeping. He remembered the nights before confession, tossing and turning with the fear of hell burning in his blood. He remembered the shame of confession. And he remembered Sylvain and Felix. Happy. Together.

After so many questions, the answer was glaringly obvious and perfectly easy. He wasn’t that hung up on Glenn. He was just gay.

He didn’t spend much time on that realization. He started juggling classes and working again. When he did have time, he tried to… explore this new part of himself. He tried to masturbate without shame. Or thinking of Glenn. He was marginally successful on both fronts. He downloaded Grindr, watched a lot of YouTube videos and slowly started growing into himself. Pieces started coming together. He saw boys on campus that he wanted to keep looking at, a different thing that he had ever known with Hilda.

It was scary. It was exciting. Dimitri was finally becoming himself.

Fall classes passed in a blink and it had been almost a year since he last called Sylvain. He was standing out on his balcony, a tiny, rotting thing that would probably collapse under his weight if he gave it the chance, thinking about buying a pack of cigarettes for old times sake. He’d never considered himself to be an addict. When he left for college, he smoked his last cigarette and never picked up another, but it felt fitting to celebrate. He deserved it, for finding himself and wanting to make himself known to others.

He didn’t have any cigarettes, but he pulled out his phone and called Sylvain anyways. This time, Sylvain picked up on the first ring. Dimitri was already grinning when he said, “Hey, Sylvain--” Only to get cut off.

“Dimitri, fuck, sorry. This really isn’t a good time.” Sylvain sounded exhausted and threadbare even through the phone.

Dimitri straightened and stepped back into his apartment. “Are you alright? Did something happen? Is Felix…”

Sylvain gave a long sigh and Dimitri’s body flushed with feverish heat. “It isn’t Felix.” The tips of Dimitri’s fingers were buzzing. “I’m not supposed to tell you. But, I think… Felix doesn’t think you deserve to know, but you do. I know… you and Glenn, well.”

Dimitri’s vision flooded with static and his scalp prickled with ice. “What happened?”

“He was in a car accident. We think… someone was driving drunk.” Dimitri wasn’t watching where he was going, and accidentally tripped over his coffee table. He stayed down against his dirty carpet, breathing and trying to get the heaving of his stomach under control. “He’s alive, in the ICU. Felix wouldn’t let me tell you and he didn’t want you to come--I have to go, but listen, I’ll text you when we know more, I promise.”

Then the line went dead. And Dimitri was left alone, laying on his floor, knowing that 200 miles away, Glenn was laying in a hospital bed. And one of his longest friends didn’t want Dimitri there. And they already knew, before Dimitri even knew himself, they knew about him. His celebration crumbled down in front of him..

Dimitri dragged himself onto his knees and somehow stumbled out to his car. Glenn and now Felix. After a year of not talking, Sylvain should hate him too.

He started driving. He had class the next morning, and a shift at work from noon to closing, but he drove. He stopped at a gas station, filled his tank, got a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, then kept going. He smoked through all of them, until his throat burned and his eyes were watery. He didn’t have to tie his hair back or wear gloves anymore, but somehow, that only made him miss Glenn more.

He got onto the highway and drove too fast, letting the wind whip the cigarette butts from between his fingers. The exhaustion burned in the back of his head, but he didn’t turn back. Not until it was past midnight and he realized he was headed home. 

He’d only thought of Glenn, of Felix, of making it up to the people who mattered most. But, then, he remembered Lambert and El and the people he had left behind, the confession he had never taken. And he couldn’t. He turned around. 

Even a year later, he was still a terrible, miserable coward.

~

He skipped class the next morning. He called in to work and faked illness, before going out to buy himself five more packs of cigarettes. The nicotine didn’t really help all that much, but it gave him something to do with his hands.

He slept and smoked for most of the day, ashing his cigarettes into a stale bottle of water and keeping the blinds drawn. He kept away from his phone and masturbated without showering afterwards. He deserved to feel filthy, after all that he’d done. 

The first real craving for booze hit him when he was out at the store. He was just there to get some shitty snacks, dressed in dirty clothing and smelling of cigarette smoke. But then, he took a look at the fifths and it became all he could think about. 

He slept for a few more days, stopped calling into work before no showing. He thought his fingers might’ve been going yellow from smoking. His sheets were full of crumbs and sometimes he slept on the floor instead of changing them. There was a permanent grime on his teeth and tongue, but the thought of using a toothbrush was revolting to him. Almost as revolting as going to class.

When the craving finally mounted, he texted Caspar. Usually he’d be nicer, but his head was pounding and he couldn’t keep himself from rhythmically rubbing his feet against his sheets. 

[can u get me some booze]

Caspar didn’t respond immediately, so Dimitri texted again.

[ill pay u for the trouble]

He tossed his phone to the side and dozed. He woke an hour later to buzzing.

[Sure man!]

[You should definitely get a fake ID though]

Dimitri put that on a growing mental list, before venmoing Caspar the money and sending him his address. He had to go through a chain of people to get Dimitri his fifth of vodka, but Dimitri didn’t mind. Knowing that he was getting it soon was enough to quell the weird buzzing in his blood.

~

The next day, Caspar dropped his fifth on the doorstep. Dimitri saved him the trouble of worrying about his new appearance and waited until he was gone to get his vodka.

The first night, he didn’t have to drink much at all. A shot or two along with several cigarettes was enough to put him where he wanted to be. He didn’t brush his teeth or take a shower, but he did change his clothes and watch a show that he liked instead of staring at a wall. For one night, he didn’t think of Glenn, and when he slept it was dreamless. 

The second night he had to drink more. He didn’t really notice it, only the impatience of getting back to that place where things didn’t seem so fucking awful. So he drank more, and got drunker. It didn’t seem like much of a problem. He took out the overflowing trash and giggled as he tripped up the stairs. He watched more of that show he liked, and besides, he was leaving a day or two in between drinking, so it was normal.

The third and fourth were the same, but by the fifth, his vodka was almost gone. He texted Caspar and went through a long string of people to finally buy a fake ID. 

By the time he was buying his own alcohol, he stopped counting the nights he was getting drunk.

~

Days passed in a sort of haze that he didn’t bother to time, but eventually Sylvain texted him.

[Glenn finally woke up]

[No memory loss, but a long recovery ahead]

[I hope you’re doing well]

Dimitri read that last text and actually laughed out loud. 

It should’ve been enough to snap him out of his stupor, but it wasn’t. Glenn was still 200 miles away and hated Dimitri’s guts. Felix and Sylvain still didn’t invite him home. And even if they did, Dimitri knew that he wouldn’t have been able to follow through.

But those texts did make him look at his phone, long enough to realize he had slept and drunk his way out of a job, and nearly into an eviction. The quarter was nearly finished and Dimitri couldn’t remember the last time he attended.

He thought about rolling over and lighting another cigarette, but instead, he got out of bed.

~

His room stayed a pigsty for the next three weeks, but he passed his classes. He scraped by with C’s all the way around, groveled his way back into his old job and remembered how to shower. His life pulled itself back together in unexpected ways, while massive cracks continued to show.

When he first returned to the cafe, his coworker said that he didn’t know Dimitri smoked. Even in freshly laundered clothes the cigarettes clung to him. He forced a gritted smile and spent the rest of his shift pulling coffee silently. 

If he wanted to sleep, he had to drink. When the room was spinning, it was so much easier to lay down and close his eyes, knowing that his mind would be empty of dreams for the next four hours. Five if he was lucky.

He was late to spring registration and ended up in a bunch of boring classes. But, still, he would move closer to his degree.

He was still missing something. He hadn’t been out on a date since the semi-disaster with Hilda. Everything was falling into place, he was becoming the person he was supposed to a year ago--even with some cracks. And, he should’ve been dating. He wasn’t waiting on Glenn anymore. He needed to stop waiting for anyone.

So, he made some dating profiles.

It was awkward and difficult to select pictures of himself and write a bio that was decently appealing. Half way through he had to stop and get a drink after thinking too hard about how Sylvain would’ve been the best help for this. He downloaded a few different apps and started swiping on different men. He didn’t think too much about it. After the first drink, he didn’t really have much of a mind anyways, so he just went for it.

When he woke up several hours later, he had many messages and already a few invitations to dinner. And something like guilt or duty propelled him onward. He responded to every message, accepted invitations, and suddenly filled his entire schedule with dates.

His first was with a guy named Hubert. He was nice enough, but more intense than Dimitri was ready for. Hubert was already twenty one, and he drank blood red wine all throughout dinner, while picking at his food. He wore all black and kept a piercing gaze on Dimitri that made him flush for the entire night. But, when Dimitri could think of something to say, Hubert listened to him and responded well. And Hubert had fascinating stories to tell.

They had a nice night together, but didn’t share a kiss or try to go out again.

Then, Dimitri started talking to Claude. From the get go, Dimitri knew that Claude wasn’t going to be like the rest of his dates. He was forward, well spoken, and almost overwhelmingly intelligent. He was blunt, but kept a sort of humor in all of his texts that Dimitri couldn’t help but adore. And Claude was clear about his relationship status.

[I’m non monogamous]

Dimitri stared at that message for a long time, trying to understand exactly what Claude meant. Dimitri’s belly turned at the thought of casual sex, especially with someone so fun to talk to--how could he ever just leave it at sex?

[I have multiple partners and keep it pretty casual]

Claude’s second text made a bit more sense. Multiple partners. Dimitri didn’t know about that, but he might as well try. Multiple people and casual was about as different from him and Glenn as he could get. Dimitri decided to go for it.

[Does that mean you want me to be one of your partners?]

[Haha, lets try a date first <3]

Dimitri’s belly curled. Claude was right of course, but the embarrassment still made him flop back onto his bed and cover his eyes. Sometimes, he was such an idiot.

~

For some reason, Claude still wanted to go on a date with him after that. Dimitri picked a nice restaurant and they had a wonderful time. Claude was even better in person. He was funnier, louder, smarter--everything about him was just magnified. And Dimitri was immediately pulled into his orbit. It was almost… addictive. They talked for almost three hours at their table, and then Claude insisted on splitting the check.

Even then, Claude still wasn’t tired of him. They took a walk downtown, telling stories and grinning while the cold nipped at their cheeks. And Dimitri understood why Claude had multiple partners. He had so much to give and so much space in his heart, for friends and lovers and everything. Dimitri thought he may have been the most amazing man in the world.

So when Claude asked if Dimitri would like to come home with him, he said yes. He didn’t think about the last kiss he had, or how it had been so long since he’d been with someone else. In that one moment, that one agreement, it seemed like the easiest, most obvious thing in the world. So, they went home together.

Claude had a nice apartment, small, but well decorated and smelling like that woodsy cologne on his skin. They had a drink or two, before Claude pulled him into the bedroom. From the first kiss, he had control, and Dimitri enjoyed it. He liked the feeling of Claude’s body against his, the warmth of his skin and the eager way they pressed together. It was fun to laugh into each other’s mouths and the pleasure was sweet and lovely in his mouth.

Until it soured.

There was no exact moment. Maybe he had fun the entire time they were having sex. But once they were finished, all Dimitri could manage was staring up at the ceiling, sweat cooling on his skin until he felt feverish. He fled from Claude’s apartment soon after, and bought a new pack of cigarettes that he finished before getting home. It didn’t get much better from there. He was exhausted, but unable to sleep, uncomfortable with shame and confusion--there was no reason for this to be happening. Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t.

Until he realized it wasn’t Glenn.

He drank until he couldn’t see straight. Until he stopped thinking about how he had abandoned the one person he ever really loved, for something he didn’t even believe in anymore. Until he could lay in his bed without sobbing and sleep without dreaming.

And at that point, there was no need to track his drinking. Because he never stopped.

~

Two years later, Dimitri graduated.

He stopped going on dates, kept drinking, and held his life together at the seams. He attended most of his major classes drunk or hungover and learned how to keep his handwriting from slanting too badly when he couldn’t see straight. He worked, paid rent, ate cheaply and bought vodka. He walked for his diploma without anyone in the audience to congratulate him, or any professors that had changed his life. He moved out, got a job in a city far enough away that he wasn’t haunted by his father.

He was twenty-two, a drunk, and convinced he had lost his only chance at real love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i included a lot of new characters in this chapter that i just.... sort of made fit where i wanted with ages and things, so if it isn't perfectly canon i dont care : )
> 
> hope you liked it! next chapter picks up with a spicy time skip... and hopefully itll be less bleak?


	6. Chapter 6

Dimitri is now twenty-five. And his father is dead.

“Hello? Mr. Bladdiyd, are you there?”

His vision comes back into focus and he pushes himself away from his desk. “Sorry, I--could you repeat that?”

He spins on his heel and looks out of the large windows in his office. He has the largest one on the floor, a testament to the tireless work he’s put into this company. He presses his hand against the glass, the heat of his body creating a ring of fog around it.

The woman on the other end of the line drops the formalities. “Dimitri, you need to come home.” Manuela. Their family doctor, the one who treated him for chicken pox and Edelgard for strep throat. “They got into an accident. Your father and stepmother have passed.”

Nearly a decade and still the thought of his father has his knees going weak. The thought of that town and--God he needs a drink. “I can’t--” His voice cracks and he rubs a hand over his face. “Where’s Edelgard? She’s the… well she can handle it can’t she?” Nearly a decade and he still leaves all the matters of their family to his younger sister. But he has a major presentation to important stock holders in two days, there isn’t time for grief or pain or Lambert or that fucking town.

Maneula sighs. “She told me to talk to you.”

Dimitri clenches his jaw so tight his teeth ache. “Why?”

“You’ll have to ask her that, Dimitri.”

Dimitri hangs up on her. And resists the urge to punch a wall.

With incredibly unfortunate timing, his secretary comes through the door without knocking. She’s new to the company, a paid intern who will be gone by the end of the quarter. Dimitri has never snapped at her before. “Marianne! How many fucking times have I told you to knock?” He swings around toward her, face blazing as the words echo through his office and out the open door.

She freezes, pale eyes going wide as her cheeks go dark. Dimitri’s heart leaps into his throat and he presses his lips into a thin line. It’s the only thing that prevents him from saying something worse to her, something dismissive and terrible. The only thing that keeps him from sounding like Lambert. Tears well in her eyes and Dimitri hates himself more than he could ever hate his father in that moment. “I’m--I’m sorry, I just, there’s a lot going on,” Dimitri mumbles, smoothing a hand through his hair.

“I’m going to take my lunch break,” she says, and even though her eyes are glossy, her voice is level. She spins and closes the door behind her, leaving Dimitri alone with a pounding heart and pure desperation for a stiff drink.

Instead, he picks up his phone and calls Edelgard. The call goes through and as it rings Dimitri suddenly realizes that she may not have his number, or even if she does, she may not bother to pick up. The third ring sounds and Dimitri bubbles with rage--she had a responsibility to their family, to care for her own mother at least. Dimitri couldn’t do this on his own, he wouldn’t.

Edelgard finally picks up. “Hello?” Her voice is smooth and Dimitri has a feeling that she doesn’t know who’s calling.

“El, it’s me. It’s Dimitri.”

There’s a long beat of silence, and then a slow breath. Dimitri can feel her icy annoyance through the speaker. When they were younger, this was his cue to back off and leave her alone before she could really rip into him. But they aren’t kids anymore. “El, Manuela called me. You need to go and…” He trails off, realizing he has no idea what they even need to do.

“I need to go and what, Dimitri? Pick up your mess?”

She may as well have slapped him for how hard he recoils. His silence is as damning as something defensive and rude. She laughs. “God, you really have no fucking idea, do you?” She sounds so accusing, Dimitri’s anger rises to it.

“What the hell are you talking about? Just because I got out of there and you didn’t--”

“I’m out of there, Dimitri. Without you, I got out.” Dimitri’s teeth click together. “Actually, I’m probably farther away than you are. I moved as far as I fucking could, after Lambert and Mom were ruined by you. The sweet golden boy deserting them, do you have any idea what that was like?” Dimitri covers his eyes with his hands. His parents were good people, until they weren’t. And then they were good again, until they couldn’t manage it any longer. Lambert was worse to Dimitri, but maybe…

“Once I left?”

Her laugh is acidic. “Yeah. Yeah, Lambert didn’t take too kindly to me after you were gone.” Dimitri presses hard at his temples, trying to stave off a headache that is pounding at his skull. “They kicked me out, you know? I was getting ready to escape, from them and that fucking church--but they found out first.” Her steady voice wavers and Dimitri wants to beg her to stop, tell her that it isn’t time for confession anymore, and that she doesn’t owe him anything.

But this isn’t about her. It’s about him. Paying penance. Bearing the weight of everything he could’ve protected her from. “You know, I always thought that Mom was better than him. But that night, it was her that beat me. Lambert was the one that pulled her away, who sent me off.”

Dimitri bites his lip so hard it bleeds. And then, he shakes his head, and says the worst thing he possibly could in that moment. “They were good people, El.”

She laughs, bitter and disbelieving, and seeing right through him. “Go ahead and keep telling yourself that. And while you do, you can organize the funeral and deal with Byleth.” She hangs up without saying goodbye and Dimitri grips his phone so tightly the case begins to creak.

He slams his phone down onto the desk and pushes his fingers through his hair, only barely resisting the urge to scream.

He sits without moving for close to ten minutes, before he finally turns on his computer and begins to put in the request for time off.

~

Two days later, the request is granted. Dimitri packs that night, taking extra care to wrap his t-shirts around bottles of liquor that he won’t be able to buy in the dry county. He drives the next morning. If he were rushing, he could make it home in six hours. Instead, he takes the long way, stops for coffee as soon as his last one runs out, and creeps into his old town as the sun is setting.

He’s not sure what possesses him to keep driving. In another five minutes, he could return home, take a shower, and contact the local mortuary like Manuela had instructed him to do. But for some reason, he turns away from the house, driving down toward town.

He drives through the residential streets, ones that are more spread out than real suburbs, then down the hill and through the city center. Summer is just beginning to wane, and even as the sun sets, the air is warm as he rolls down his window. On his left, the old pharmacy and grocery store, on his right the small collection of businesses for the church women to make friends. The buildings are still a poorly maintained white wash, the signs no dirtier than the last time he’d seen them.

He thinks it would be easier to be home if it had changed, but everything seemed to have stagnated ten years ago.

He rolls out of the center of town, speeding up a little just to feel the wind rush between his fingers. A few more businesses dot either side of main street. Then their post office and gas station, the two best maintained buildings in the entire town. Once those peel away, the sides of the road are bare fields. Until the forest begins to creep up along both sides.

Dimitri tries to swallow around where his heart is lodged in his throat. The trees sway in the wind and memories call out to him, hooking into his skin and making it hard to steer straight. The first time walking out to the Gautier farm. A first drink and a first kiss, memories of when booze was a treat not a need--and, of course, those last few moments with Glenn. His last words slide through Dimitri’s head, crystal clear and as painful as ever, and he whips the wheel to the left, swinging his car back toward town. 

When he drives back through the center of town, it doesn’t strike him as foreboding as before. There are more people out now. Most he recognizes, but some young couples are strangers. No one recognizes him, and he rolls back through the suburbs without notice. 

His childhood home is sat across a vacant lot from the church. Even though the chapel is only a ten minute walk, the drive is much longer. Dimitri takes the long way around, avoiding the brick monolith that their town is built around, and pulls into his driveway as the darkness solidifies.

From the outside, the house seems the same. It’s still and dark, but far from abandoned. The flowers in the front garden are well watered, the windows are clean and it seems like any moment, the lights could flip on and Lambert could come walking out of the house to welcome Dimitri home. He sits in his car as the cab lights fade off and in the darkness, his brow furrows waiting, hoping, and then pleading for his father to come and greet him, for this all to be one big mistake. He never does.

Dimitri closes his eyes and presses his forehead against the steering wheel. He’s never wanted his father so badly. He’s spent so much of his life pretending and moving on, ‘forgetting’ to call or making excuses for why he shouldn’t. There’s no reason for him to want his father now. Except to tell him the truth. To show how he still became the man Lambert wanted him to be, in every way except for one at least. He would never have to know about Glenn, or the other boys. Dimitri could pretend for him, and his mother, and even for Edelgard. He shouldn’t want that. The scathing looks and the passive aggressive remarks, flinching every time his father raises a hand, feeling like he and Edelgard were the only people on earth to truly know their parents. 

Maybe it’s not Lambert that he misses, but his sister. His sister in every way but blood. They protected each other for so many years. Until Dimitri tore everything apart and never came back. Just another bridge that he’s burned. 

None of it makes any sense. Dimitri doesn’t know when it will start to.

He drags his suitcase out of the back of his car and slowly steps torward the front door. For seven years, he kept the key to this house on his keyring, through three moves it never left. Now, he slips it into the lock and pushes the door open. From within, the dark of the house seems impenetrable and unwelcoming. That sense doesn’t go away when he flicks the lights on. Just like the rest of the town, this house seems to have been frozen in time. None of the furniture has changed or moved, and everything is just as immaculate as it always was.

Dimitri kicks off his shoes on instinct, and holds up his suitcase to avoid it scratching the lacquered floors. He’d never bother to do this in his own home, but here, it still feels like his step mother could appear from the kitchen to scold him for making a mess.

He tries to remind himself that won’t happen. It doesn’t work.

He creeps through the house as if he were trying not to wake his parents. Somehow, he can still navigate to his childhood room in the near dark. His hand finds the light switch, but for some reason, he can’t make himself turn it on.

Nothing has changed in this town, or in this house, and yet, dread clings to Dimitri. Nothing here has changed, but he has.

His hand falls away from the light switch, and instead, he blindly fumbles into bed. His sheets smell freshly washed. The bed is too small for him now. The tears come then. He sheds them for the fear that he’s had of this place for so long, for missing and yet still hating his father. And he sheds them for himself. The one that slept in this bed, the one who had Glenn, and the one that he abandoned at the bottom of a bottle.

The tears threaten to choke him. He falls half way out of bed in the struggle to open his suitcase and untangle a bottle of liquor from within. Then, he sits back up in his childhood bed, and gulps liquor until his belly trembles and his throat spasms. That finally banishes the tears.

Dimitri is twenty-five, sitting in his childhood bedroom, and drinking himself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit of a shorter chapter, sorry about that. next chap will be longer. and... someone... will be making a reappearance ;)


End file.
